i’m on a island

and you can keep floating on by on your precious little cruise ship

waving at me, and somehow wanting me to come with you

with a big smile on your face
but its kinda hard you know, there is just all this water

and my head hurts right now

my heart is fine

cause its not the feelings that needs doubt

but its the suffering and attachment

or maybe its just the fact that life is shitty

and there is nothing to stop that

i just have to find my place on this island i supposed

until you tell the captain to turn around

it just needs to be once

only once

and you can come and get me

i wouldn’t mind a hug

i thought you were there last night

when i closed my eyes

i thought i could feel yourhand brush mine

but it must’ve just been that girl dancing beside me

and was it ok that i thought that

or would you have answered me different

if it was your hand that i touched

even when you didn’t want me too

i might have told you about how i didn’t like the song

or that your face wasn’t inviting

and that i wanted to go home

and pretend that i felt your body by mine

but i guess thats the end of it

you were never here in the first place

I don’t have time for the things that would matter

its ok to me, that everyday a little piece of my heart will shatter

the time, is to change, the moment is the only thing that exsists

i wish i could look at the stars all night and forget the world that presists

move onto something better, with better people

i think i just might have to find that long lost steeple

that will guide me to the life i want to live

and actually, i already know what i have to give

and that’s everything

just you wait and see; according

to end of the world, you’ll be

me

i need to be misleading and caring

its the only way that someone can gain something

that something is up to the air

but maybe just maybe if we keep trying, it’ll make itself appear

you know, those times when you just try hard enough

and you suprise yourself by actually doing whatever it is that you wanted to do

yea that, thats what we need

just try a little harder and maybe just maybe, with a bit of luck

and a lot of help from each other we could make it

we could help it, and we could make sure that no one gets hurt

too bad someone always gets hurt

but i hate to say things like that, cause being fatalistic

and leaving things up to things out of your control

is not called anything besides giving up

and giving up on people is what hurts them

if we don’t give up then i guess

everything will be

always ok

its the way you smile

when we we’re all just atoms, being born from your stars

i felt the fresh dew of something real, new

to places outside the earth

and so close to your heart

i can hear it beating with every sentence

losing the begining in the end

while the middle was never there

waves like a red giant

coming down from heights and taking me with it

i forgot the way it felt to care

trapped in the multiverse of your mind

i just can’t seem to get your name right

if its the end of the start

then i can count on you to make me unhappy

all you would say is how you don’t like the way i look when it rains

but i really enjoy it

a cleasning quietness that i guess you wouldn’t understand

maybe if you couldn’t see how much i care

or how much i wanted to care

then you might like the rain washing away your fears

or you might just feel vulnerable

emotions aren’t what you meant them to be

but they are supposed to be shared

just not with anyone who cares about you i guess

oh well, i’ll just go for a walk in the rain

i would ask you to come but
too bad, its pouring out

i am all out of your friendship

even though i can whistle now

i wouldn’t be able to turn your head

walking down the crowded hallway

even if i tried my hardest

your smile wouldn’t be for me,

you might squint to think that you saw me

but you would turn your head and mutter something about reflections

the next day you wouldn’t squint

but you would think you heard a faint whistle

but it was probably just the wind

and tomorrow you wouldn’t even notice

if i stopped sleeping

you would just pass by my entire life

onto yours

working friendship from your hollow smile

is about as uncontrolled as my heart

at midnight, as i lay down beside our memories

making sure i look into the bedroom mirror

i forget to breath

i couldn’t tell you the difference between hearts

of mine and yours

i’m the beggar who asks you for a dime

even as you always ignore me

your the perfect match inside your suit

but you would never know it

waiting for the walk light

that your freedom is seperated

by the ticking of a clock

and the beating of another’s heart

i had a entry written here about love but i just talked to nicole and she said a nice thing “emotional unavailable” times, and thats really all this is, its just time and place, and there is really nothing else to say about it, that makes the most sense out of anything i’ve heard, or that Chris or Andrew have said, i can’t force myself on her emotions when they are even stable to herself, and it sucks big time, but so does having that taste of freedom that she had and living her passion and then having it all taken away in an instant its so easy to put myself in her poistion, its really too bad though, that this is the way we are, and this is the way we will be, cause there is really nothing else anyone can do, being emotional lost makes it hard, and it makes it especially hard after just having one of the greatest months of her life, cause all she can think about is just how great it was, and now this, its too bad that its the only thing thats keeping us from us, or at least thats the way i see it, and i can’t get around that is not what i had in mind, but timing is timing, and fate is fate, and i can’t complain about not being able to see her, cause i mean i have been seeing her a lot lately, and its not even that i neccessairly want to it just happens, which i think is a good sign, a good sign of good friends, maybe even great friends

and maybe a change of heart and a change of place, would do everyone good well at least i have myself, and my emotions, that i can always control

i know shes said this already a lot, to me, but i just couldn’t get fully what she was trying to get across, i know you need a friend now, and i hope that i can be that friend before i put her through things that i don’t want her to go through,

i feel really bad about being the way i am being, i am just confused, i hope everyone can bear it out especially me

so that was stupid, i don’t even know what i was trying to say or trying to get at, or trying to even care at, it didn’t make sense to me, and it sure as hell didn’t make sense to her, and i can’t believe i had to be so selfish as to put her through that, but i guess now that its done, i know that i can never do it again, because it would be a great failure, and there would be absolutely nothing i could do about it, and she would never think anything of it, if i walked away in tears, she wouldn’t think anything of it, cept that this guy is crazy and he just wants to be boyfriend and i don’t want him to be,  well at least we had that straightened out, and what a wonderful world it is when you realize how stupid you really are, and what a wonderful thing to come to realize when you are talking with the person you care about most right now, well, i guess i’ll just go back to whatever kind of life i had, and she’ll go on not thinking about me, and what a fool i’ve made of myself, well i guess its for the better, cause now i just want to hide away in a hole, and never see the light of anything, cause i’ll just ruin it and why should i ever want to ruin anything because i’m an idiot,

i have to come to realize things about myself, and one of those things, is that i need people, i need people to be friends, i need people to be loved, and i need people to love me, as does everyone, but man, i am so fucking fragile, can’t i just stand up to something, to anything for anything, i break so easily, and its so stupid, who would want to talk to someone like that? who would want to be with someone like that? not me thats for sure, well she laid it out for me, and i guess thats all there is to it, and nothing more, so i’ll just on being myself, and that will be for the best, so i guess thats just exactly what i’ll do, and thats just exactly what i should do, else i’ll just ruin her to me forever, and she won’t ever want to talk to me, and that’s definetly not any kind of good whatsoever.

she’s just choosing to not see me, which i guess is the same as can’t

and i can’t help but wonder if we would’ve had a month in August, would it be the same, as this

or would she be letting me in, instead of shutting me out, or i guess a month is a long time

and its easy to forget someone its easy to forget a lot of things if you dont work for it

but man am i stupid